ExchangeEveryDay Past Issues

Alex Lickerman, M.D., in an article in Psychology Today, writes about dealing with frustration in close relationships (which is maybe even more pronounced during this busy time of year). “It's an uncomfortable paradox that the people closest to us often frustrate us the most. My theory about this is that we all have a certain level of tolerance for frustration that diminishes with repeated exposure to a situation or a person we find frustrating. Thus we more easily manage our frustration at the beginning of a frustrating experience and with people we've only just met, but as time passes and our frustration continues, our ability to manage it steadily decreases… Our closest family members populate the most intimate areas of our lives and often limit our ability to find privacy or refuge in which to rest and thereby temporarily regain an ability to tolerate things that (and people who) frustrate us…

Poorly managed frustration is toxic to relationships. It causes a build-up of resentment that—even when over only small things—can ultimately overwhelm any desire to relate in a positive fashion. And no one likes living in a perpetual state of annoyance or anger (no matter how much it may seem like they do)…

Trying to suppress or ignore frustration seems only to make it worse, often causing us to magnify the import of whatever complaint we have against whomever frustrated us…Instead of willpower, then, the best antidote upon which I've stumbled involves the use of gratitude. Now when I become frustrated, I strive to immediately remind myself of all the things I appreciate about the person who's frustrated me. Undoubtedly, appreciating people we see in our day-to-day lives is the most difficult, as they're the very people not only most likely to frustrate us but also with whom we're most likely unable to control our frustration—but such people wouldn't likely be in our lives so consistently in the first place if they didn't have important qualities that we valued. Reminding ourselves of those qualities shouldn't, therefore, be too difficult.”

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ExchangeEveryDay

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