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Mother Madness
December 6, 2010
"The way other people see me doesn't make me or break me. I will continue to be who I am and what I am."
-Joyce Jackson, in Stories of Resistance
-Joyce Jackson, in Stories of Resistance
"Unless you've been living on another planet, you know that we have endured an orgy of motherphilia for at least the last two decades. Movie stars proudly display their baby bumps, and the shiny magazines at the checkout counter never tire of describing the joys of celebrity parenthood. Bearing and rearing children has come to be seen as life's greatest good. Never mind that there are now enough abandoned children on the planet to make breeding unnecessary. Professional narcissists like Angelina Jolie and Madonna want their own little replicas in addition to the African and Asian children that they collect to advertise their open-mindedness. Nannies are seldom photographed in these carefully arranged family scenes. We are to assume that all this baby-minding is painless, easy and cheap....
"... today it's assumed that we can perfect our babies by the way we nurture them. Few of us question the idea, and American mothers and fathers run themselves ragged trying to mold exceptional children. It's a highly competitive race. No parent wants to be told it all may be for naught, especially, say, a woman lawyer who has quit her firm to raise a child. She is assumed to be pursuing a higher goal, and hard work is supposed to pay off, whether in the office or at home. We dare not question these assumptions...
"In truth, nothing is more malleable than motherhood. We like to imagine that mothering is immutable and decreed by natural law; but in fact it has encompassed such disparate practices as baby farming, wet-nursing and infanticide. The possessive, almost proprietary motherhood that we consider natural today would have been anathema to early kibbutzniks in Israel. In our day motherhood has been glamorized, and in certain circles, children have become the ultimate accessories. But we should not fool ourselves: Treating children like expensive accessories may be the ultimate bondage for women....
"Is it even possible to satisfy the needs of both parents and children? In agrarian societies, perhaps wearing your baby was the norm, but today's corporate culture scarcely makes room for breast-feeding on the job, let alone baby-wearing. So it seems we have devised a new torture for mothers — a set of expectations that makes them feel inadequate no matter how passionately they attend to their children....
"In the oscillations of feminism, theories of child-rearing have played a major part. As long as women remain the gender most responsible for children, we are the ones who have the most to lose by accepting the "noble savage" view of parenting, with its ideals of attachment and naturalness. We need to be released from guilt about our children, not further bound by it. We need someone to say: 'Do the best you can. There are no rules.'"
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Comments (10)
Displaying 5 of 10 Comments [ View all ]Shishu Vikash Kendra
Kolkata, West Bengal, India
In India mother is a holi place for a child . A mother is mad for the care of her baby . A mother is a symbol of love , touch ,sympathi in the life of a man untill the death .
CA, United States
After reading Monday’s ExhangeEveryDay and all the comments that followed, I found myself asking “Who is Erica Jong?” Upon looking her up and reading about her literary career and reviewing her work, I found her comments regarding motherhood unsurprising. According to a quote from Jong’s daughter, Molly, Jong’s own mother (Eda Mirsky) created “paintings of her family [which] highlighted her distaste for motherhood”.
It appears to be true, that even Erica Jong is a victim of the “ideals of attachment and naturalness”, or the lack thereof.
United States
I find it to be very contradictory that someone seeking to negate so many other peoples opinions would close by seeking and needing for someone else to say something.On that matter, I do hope that Jong can find it in her self to do her best.
United States
I did not find this article as objectionable as readers who responded in Mothering Madness II. I think Ms. Jong points out the danger of a glamorized motherhood. In America, we are not as responsive to the needs of mothers and young families as in many other "developed" nations. Our maternity leave is limited. The workplace, by and large, is not welcoming to nursing mothers or babies on-site. Before someone becomes a mother she should be aware that motherhood is not all it is cracked up to be in the celebrity magazines. In most ways it is more than can ever be pictured in the media. It is certainly the most fulfilling and important "career" in the world. However, one can be a better mother without the glamorous illusions. I have known women who go into motherhood with the wrong expectations- "to have someone to love"; "It's what is expected of me"; "to make us a family" . . . without realizing the adjustments that need to be made -- physically, emotionally, socially, professionally. I agree that there is a lot in our society that makes mothers feel guilty not matter what they do. I didn't read Ms. Jong's article as diminishing the importance of attachment or nurturing, but rather that there are multiple ways to nurture, develop trust and assure emotional security. Anyone who has read the many books offering advice to new parents knows that there are many "rules".
Albuquerque Public Schools
Albuquerque, NM, United States
Given the vehemence of the responses, it was undoubtedly a good thing that you published the piece. We all need to have our thinking challenged and to be made aware of how others think about the issues and practices we live and breathe every day. As the writer of a little red book said, "Know your enemy and know yourself and you will win a thousand battles." Erica Jong may not be the enemy, but she represents a divergent point of view which the readers of Exchange need to be aware of, consider, and be able to address cogently when expressed, as several of the respondents did.
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