Building Bridges over Coffee

08/22/2023

Evil can only be defeated by kindness between people. Kindness demands courage.
Sergeot Uzan, parent of a terrorist attack victim

Imagine sending – or receiving – the following message:

"Hello, my name is Özlem. You have sent me so many hate mails. You don't know me, I don't know you. I was wondering if I could come around and we can drink a coffee together and talk about it?"

Born in Turkey, Özlem Cekic is the first Muslim woman to become a member of the Danish parliament, at which point she was subjected to threats, harassment and hateful emails. Sending the above email to the one who’d sent her the most hate mail, she soon found herself at his house.

“I will never forget when he opened his front door and reached out to shake my hand. I felt so disappointed… I had expected a horrible person—dirty, messy house. It was not. His house smelled of coffee which was served from a coffee set identical to the one my parents used… And we had so many things in common. Even our prejudices were alike… When I got home, I was very ambivalent about my experience. On the one hand, I really liked Ingolf. He was easy and pleasant to talk to, but on the other hand, I couldn't stand the idea of having so much in common with someone who had such clearly racist views. Gradually, and painfully, I came to realize that I had been just as judgmental of those who had sent me hate mails as they had been of me.”

She continues, “The #dialoguecoffee meetings have taught me that people of all political convictions can be caught demonizing the others with different views… My friendship with Turks, with Danes, with Jews and with racists has vaccinated me against my own prejudices.”

Cekic challenges us all to try it, advising:

“When you start at #dialoguecoffee, you have to remember this: First, don't give up if the person refuses at first. Sometimes it's taken me nearly one year to arrange a #dialoguecoffee meeting. Two: acknowledge the other person's courage. It isn't just you who's brave. The one who's inviting you into their home is just as brave. Three: don't judge during the conversation. Make sure that most of the conversation focuses on what you have in common. As I said, bring food. And finally, remember to finish the conversation in a positive way because you are going to meet again. A bridge can't be built in one day.”

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