How To Defuse A Grown Up Bully

01/05/2004

How To Defuse A Grown Up Bully

"To fall into habit is to begin to cease to be." - Miguel de Unamuno

HOW TO DEFUSE A GROWN UP BULLY

Writing in BottomLine Personal (January 1, 2004), Jane Middleton-Moz offers these insights on dealing with adult bullies...

"Your parents and teachers probably told you to handle a bully by either being tough and fighting back or letting him/her know how much he was hurting you. Neither of these strategies will work [with grown up bullies]. In fact these responses actually feed the bully's behavior because they show how much he can rattle you. Remember: A bully is always trying to transfer his own feelings of powerlessness to you. This makes him feel more in control.

* Take a firm, proactive stance — but don't get dragged into a fight. A bully doesn't know how to back down. The more aggressive and emotional you become, the more he will attack. You remain in control as long as you keep your emotions in check.

* Keep rebuttals simple. It does no good to analyze a bully's motivations, lecture him about mature behavior or get into an argument over facts. Instead, respond with brief, direct and behavior-oriented statements.

* Use confident body language. Bullies sense fear in their victims and thrive on it. Speak in a calm voice, look him in the eye. Avoid slumping your shoulders, touching your hair or clenching your teeth.

* Make allies — especially bosses and upper managers — who will listen to you. Don't be surprised if they want to give the bully the benefit of the doubt or characterize the problem as personal conflict. Managers simply might not want to get involved. Say, 'Has this ever happened to you before? How did you feel?' This makes them recall their own pain and sympathize. Then say, 'That's how it feels for me.' Explain to them in specific and factual terms how you have attempted to stop the bullying."

For more ideas on dealing with difficult staffing issues, check out the Exchange book, Staff Challenges, at: http://mail.ccie.com/go/eed/0081

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