Connecting with Children

"A 'connected childhood' is the most reliable key to success and happiness," observes Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., in Work & Family Life (January 2011).

"The starting point in creating a connected childhood is unconditional love from parents or another important adult who is active in a child's life. But loving children unconditionally doesn't mean you don't have expectations for them. High expectations are fine — just not unrealistically high. When parents' love always has to be earned (when they imply 'I'd love you even more if you got all A's'), children feel that they can never please their parents, no matter what.

"Have high but realistic expectations. It's easy to get caught up in the great riptide that sucks kids out of childhood and into an achievement fast-lane as early as nursery school. Be assured that by providing connectedness, above all, you're giving your child the best 'leg up' on the competition. The connected child will achieve at the level he or she is supposed to and will enjoy doing so.

"At the opposite extreme of driving children too hard is not expecting enough from them. This is a form of disconnection called indifference. For example, if a child senses that nobody really cares enough to make sure homework gets done, this can lead to sadness, loneliness, and low self-esteem, which can result in self-destructive behavior.

"As with everything else, balance is key. Being a loving, connected parent doesn't mean giving kids too much, too soon and always coming to their rescue. We should remind ourselves that children don't need a lot of fancy toys or clothes. What they do need is your time, interest, love, guidance, and ability to say no."

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